i care too much. thats my problem. i just care too damn much. i love caring for people. but i dont know how to stop caring.
it hurts. it hurts seeing someone else in pain. seeing them struggling. i just want to make it all go away. i want to make it all better. but i know i cant. i've come to terms with that. and i dont try to make it all better. i try to help. but my helping feels like nothing. either, it feels like its not enough, or it feels unwanted. its like a slap in the face. i know its not meant to be that way. i know they dont try to reject the help, to act irrationally, to snap, but it still stings.
and then i start crying. and they notice. and then they feel bad. and then i feel worse. for making them feel worse. i dont want them to want help because they dont want to hurt me. i mean... i dont want them to hurt me, and i know they dont want to hurt me either. but i want them to want help for themselves. because, is wanting help so you dont hurt other people a good reason? good motivation? i dont know. maybe it is. but then, if thats the only reason they get help, then, will the help really mean anything? will it actually help?
sometimes, i just want to call who i want to call. i want to call them and tell them how worried i am. how much i want to help, how much i try to help, but how little i succeed, or really do help. i want them to see how much i care, and see how much he needs help. i want them to be supportive. i want them to love him. and help him. but i dont know if that will help either. i dont know if he'll be mad at me for doing such a thing, or if he'll be mad for a second and then admit that thats what he needed.
i need help. i need someone to tell me what to do. i need someone to support me. this is so so hard. i need strength.
lord, father... abba... please give me strength.
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