disorientation

i feel like things are finally getting to me. i knew this would happen. i mean, i knew that i was leaving huge parts of my most recent past life behind. i knew i'd be handing over new leadership positions to wonderful, capable people. i knew this. i knew. and ive felt it. ive felt the subconscious and conscious uneasiness with someone else taking over my work. my work that i sweated and slaved over. my work that i put my whole heart into.

but i feel like its finally really hitting me with its full force. i feel like my whole life, as i known it and come to love and treasure it, is being ripped out from under me. its like... its like part of my heart has been slowly being chiseled away at, but now the chiseler has resorted to just hacking away at it with a butchers knife. its painful. sometimes i feel like i cant breathe. i feel that weight on my chest again, that horrible weight that i have dreaded feeling ever again. its overwhelming. its uncontrollable. its disorienting. all of it.

and im being a bitch because of it.

i feel like people want me gone. like they cant wait for me to leave. i know, people have told me thats ridiculous. that thats not how it is. but i cant help but feel that way.

i know its stupid, but i was watching Buffy the other night... the episode where she runs away and just gets a job at a diner. it made me think.... fell like i just want to get away too. i wish 'home' were an actual place of comfort, of peace and security. if it were, when i got back from tour and come back to my empty life with no job, nothing to be truely passionate about, i would go home. spend a week. if only i still lived in boston. i would go home... and drive. drive through the beautiful trees. the nature. the peaceful tranquility of it all. i would go to new hampshire. to the lake. and sit on my rock. sit and just be. feel the wind in my hair, the smell of the pine and oak. the cool air. listen. listen for God in that place.

but i cant go there. i cant go there... and im sitting at work. sitting at work trying to hold back the tears... the ultimate breakdown i'll have when i go home. sitting here. cant breathe. the fear of whats to come weighing down on me.

i dont know if i'll last this hour and a half. i need to stop writing. it only makes it harder to hold back the tears.

help

how do you help someone who doenst want to help themselves?

i care too much. thats my problem. i just care too damn much. i love caring for people. but i dont know how to stop caring.

it hurts. it hurts seeing someone else in pain. seeing them struggling. i just want to make it all go away. i want to make it all better. but i know i cant. i've come to terms with that. and i dont try to make it all better. i try to help. but my helping feels like nothing. either, it feels like its not enough, or it feels unwanted. its like a slap in the face. i know its not meant to be that way. i know they dont try to reject the help, to act irrationally, to snap, but it still stings.

and then i start crying. and they notice. and then they feel bad. and then i feel worse. for making them feel worse. i dont want them to want help because they dont want to hurt me. i mean... i dont want them to hurt me, and i know they dont want to hurt me either. but i want them to want help for themselves. because, is wanting help so you dont hurt other people a good reason? good motivation? i dont know. maybe it is. but then, if thats the only reason they get help, then, will the help really mean anything? will it actually help?

sometimes, i just want to call who i want to call. i want to call them and tell them how worried i am. how much i want to help, how much i try to help, but how little i succeed, or really do help. i want them to see how much i care, and see how much he needs help. i want them to be supportive. i want them to love him. and help him. but i dont know if that will help either. i dont know if he'll be mad at me for doing such a thing, or if he'll be mad for a second and then admit that thats what he needed.

i need help. i need someone to tell me what to do. i need someone to support me. this is so so hard. i need strength.

lord, father... abba... please give me strength.

frustrated

im frustrated with myself

dont know what else to say. just had to get that out.

sometimes i feel like a bitch

sometimes, i really feel like a bitch.

when people drop their responsibilities, when they dont keep to their commitments, and i get angry, i get impatient, i just want to tell them off. i want to give them a piece of my mind. i want to let them know how they've let me down.

and i feel like a bitch for feeling that way. for wanting to tell people off. for wanting to yell.

but its just so frustrating. it frustrates me when people dont take responsibility for their commitments. when they dont take them seriously. i see people who get a reward for this commitment they've made, who drop the ball, who choose other options or events over something that they are being depended greatly upon. then i see other people, who've made the same commitment, commitment of time and effort, and get no reward whatsoever for it, but just do it because they have good hearts, and they want to serve, and they are there. every day. every time they are called to 'duty'. every time they are depended upon. and this frustrates me. that the people that are getting nothing for the same commitment that others are getting something for, are more committed, more responsible, and more dependable.

i know i'm not perfect. i know i have so much growing to do. i know that i make mistakes every day, every hour.

im judgmental.

im hypocritical.

i get angry/impatient easily.

im pessimistic.

im stubborn.

im not open to other peoples ideas.

i know im far from perfect. and maybe im a bad person for thinking or feeling this way. but sometimes, i just dont understand how i can or do all that i do, for nothing, just out of wanting to help and serve, and be surrounded by people who are incompetent, who dont care, who refuse to do any work, who are divas, who are unreliable.

its kind of tiresome. and i hate, that because i feel all these ways about these people that continuously disappoint me or astonish me (in a bad way), that it makes me feel like a bitch.

confessions

im selfish.

im codependent.

im 2-faced.

im dishonest.

im self-centered.

im controlling.

i gossip.

i throw pity parties.

i dont keep my word.

im a hypocrite.

im complacent.

i dont strive to be better.

i dont love people.

i dont seek God.

im afraid

of being alone

of not being wanted

of being wanted... and then not

of failing

of the future

of who i am

of becoming my mother

of disappointing people

of hurting people

of losing those closest to me.

what

whats wrong with me?

am i so insecure that i cant let someone, anyone, love me without questioning it? finding some reason to question it? can i not trust it? am i so afraid to trust it?

what do i expect? i dont even know. i feel like i have old, childhood-grown expectations. what do i need? and when someone else is in need, is suffering, how much and how long to i put aside my needs?

am i codependent? maybe i am. maybe i follow after my mom in that way, among others. i spent 18 years around her almost 24/7. maybe that was one of the worst things i picked up. if i am, how do i change that?

i dont know whats wrong with me. but something is.